Мой Дом

For the parents:

Specialists in the field of child protection recommend to

keep the history of each child (ie, the child has a right

to know his/her name, history, parents, etc.)

But if you do decide to leave the matter in secret, then

such a decision should be "ironcast". It is believed that

keeping the secrecy of adoption is somehow benefitial for

the parents, sometimes they do not even realize it. In

addition, there are shortcomings in the legislation. Thus

until the child is 18 parents may at their will keep the

secret of adoption and demand it of the others, including

officials of the social service. But on the other hand,

when the child turns 14 they have a right to reveal this

secret to him/her. The paradox is that before this the

child lived in a secure world, in a family and did not even

suspect that he was a "stranger" or "adopted". And then at

puberty, when there is a surge of hormones, mood swings,

etc., he suddenly finds the truth out ... Not many

teenagers can cope with such news, often the children leave

the family, angry at the world, including the parents. As

an alternative experts from all over the world recommend to

speak on this matter with the adopted children as they

grow, and the sooner the better, but always at the level of

their age and understanding. One of the ways can be to

celebrate two birthdays, i.e. the actual day of birth and

the day when the child was "born" into this family. Thus

the child will feel being accepted and loved, being special

and born in the heart rather than under the heart. This

will come to him with celebration, acception and gifts,

rather than on a "street level" - a stranger, a foundling,

etc.

Read the story of the adopted

Helpful Tips

- Keep in touch with other foster families to prevent

isolation.

- There is no optimal age for adoption (fostering), but it

is the-sooner-the-better for a child to find a family .

- Recognize the sorrow of the child and allow the child to

understand your losses.

- Not all of the problematic behavior or feelings are

related to adoption, many are associated with the

development of or related to the circumstances in the

environment of the child. It will be helpful to talk to

other parents and/or knowledgeable professionals to

determine whether the problem is with adoption, or it is a

normal part of education and upbringing.

- Talk about adoption in the family. Often you should bring

up the subject yourself because the child may be afraid to

ask questions, worrying that will hurt his parents'

feelings.

- Encourage your child to have a positive attitude to his

biological family. For a the child to have a good

self-esteem a possitive attitude towards his "roots" is

needed. Remember that parents are allowed to love more than

one child. Children should be allowed to love more than one

parent. Do not force your child to choose between you and

the biological parents.

- Find out as much information as possible about the

history of the child and his own family. Get all the

possible information from the place where the child was

placed.

- Always be honest when you talk about biological family

and the history. If the information is very difficult, some

facts can be postponed until the child grows up. The facts

must never be changed. The rule is that children should

have complete information by the time of their adolescence.

- Be alert to the signs of distress when there is loss or

change. Be sensitive to the "significant dates" and

increasing emotional stress around birthdays, holidays, and

Mother's Day. Make sure that you discuss feelings and

concerns openly.

- Let adoptive father be the primary parent during

adolescence. The feeling of bitterness and anger for having

been abandoned is usually directed at the biological

mother. This anger is often projected onto the adoptive

mother. The relationship between mothers and adolescents

can become very tense. Adoptive father must regulate

relations as much as it is possible.

- Avoid battles for control. You may need to lose a few

battles to win the war. Parents may well affect only one or

two behaviors at once. Arrange for the priorities of your

battles, and be prepared to leave aside many other less

important issues.

If you have questions please feel free to ask them.

Always happy to serve you,

Kherson Regional Charity Fund "My Home":

+38 050 396 06 08 Marina Petkivskaya

+38 050 396 07 08 Nadezhda Kim